The Art of Misunderstanding - Act 1, part 2

(Albert sits alone in his study. Papers are scattered across the desk. He chews the end of a pen, pacing in small, frantic circles.)

Albert: I must win Phoebe’s heart. (He stops suddenly.) But what does a woman like?

Flowers?(He shakes his head violently.)No, no, no – flowers are merely corpses pretending to be romantic. A terrible omen. A pot of flowers, however… yes! Living, breathing, hopeful! Like me!(He scribbles furiously.)

Chocolate? Ah, very fashionable indeed. But no – no, absolutely not!An insult! Carbohydrates! Fats! (he scoffs) What if she thinks I wish her… rounder? Unthinkable. A salad, then! Grandiose. Noble. Leafy. Not like me.(Writes again, nodding approvingly.)

Jewellery? In London?! Good heavens, no. To gift her a necklace would personally deliver her to the pickpockets. And Phoebe values safety. Yes – she must. A lock! A beautiful silver lock! Practical, symbolic, impossible to steal – unless one steals the door as well.(Pauses, pleased.)Perfect. And of course… words. A poem. Or – if the muses prove uncooperative — an epigram. Unless… unless she is my muse. Yes. I can work with that.

(He strikes a dramatic pose and declaims.)

Oh Phoebe, my beloved muse,Blessed I am by the shine of thy eye,Though its glowing scares me,For it appears slightly eerie.

(He gasps, deeply moved by himself.)

Yes! This is the one. How delighted she shall be when I wake her at midnightwith a serenade of this magnificent literary achievement!

(He rushes offstage in great excitement.)

(Offstage voices.)

Albert: Winston! Fetch me my best boots!

Winston: The elegant ones, or the comfortable ones?

Albert: The elegant ones, of course! I am dressing to impress today!

Winston: Sire… that strategy did not serve you well last time.

Albert: Perhaps the pink blazer with the daisy pattern did not silence the dandy allegations, but at least it attracted attention!

Winston: Indeed. Thank God it attracted only attention. Shall I iron a white shirt?

Albert: Absolutely! And trousers as well!

Winston: (A beat.) You truly are attempting to impress this lady.

Balázs-Blénessy-Pataki Kincső XII. R