The Art of Misunderstanding (Act 1, part 3)

(Night. Moonlight. Albert tiptoes toward a ground-floor window. He smooths his already immaculate coat. Clears his throat. Jumps at the sound of his own shoe scraping the pavement.)

Albert(whispering to himself)Steady now. Steady. Confidence, Albert, Shakespeare’s blood boils inside your veins!

(He starts to recite, but realizes that nobody can hear him through the closed window, facepalms.)

Idiot.

(He taps gently on the glass. Waits. Smiles too early. Clears his throat again.)

Albert(reciting, then stopping abruptly)Oh Phoebe, my beloved – no, no, no – too early again!

(The front door swings open. A tall figure steps out.)

HamishG’day mate! You lost, or just lurkin’ for fun?

(Albert turns. Blinks.)

AlbertI – beg your pardon?

HamishI said: whatcha doin’ ‘round here this late, champ?

AlbertI’m afraid I don’t –

Hamish(repeating, same speed, same confidence)Whatcha doin’ ‘round ‘ere so late?

AlbertI truly cannot –

Hamish(switches effortlessly to Mandarin)你这么晚了还在这里做什么？

Albert(stares, defeated)…I see.

(The door opens again. Phoebe leans out, visibly tipsy.)

Phoebe:Oi! Albert! What are you doing? You look like a Victorian burglar!

Hamish:Yeah, mate! That’s what I been askin’!

Phoebe(giggling)I’m sure you have, Mr Down-Under.

Albert(startled, tugging at his coat)Phoebe, my dear, I was merely ensuring there were no – ah – insects of a biting nature. (pause) And why is he… beneath us?

Hamish(grinning)So this is Albert. Heard heaps about ya, mate.

Albert:What is he saying?

Phoebe:He says he’s pleased to meet you.(turning to Hamish)Behave.

Hamish:Behavin’! Just makin’ conversation. (to Albert) You’re the bloke who took till ten to master the loo, yeah?

Albert(alarmed)Phoebe? Why did I hear “loo” very clearly?

Phoebe(waving it off)Oh hush, that’s not what he said at all. Why are we still outside? Come in! We’re having tea.

HamishI’ll take another cuppa.

Phoebe(laughing)Of course you will.

(She disappears inside. Hamish grins at Albert.)

HamishC’mon then, Romeo. Night’s young.

(Albert, utterly baffled, follows.)

Balázs-Blénessy-Pataki Kincső XII. R